Equality Song - Matti Freeman

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZwsE_jwPhA

The Desteni of Life

We are Walking the Desteni of Life.

How are we doing this?

Each Walk Alone - Yet We Walk as One as Equal

Self-Honesty to See How we have Created ourselves - to Stand Self-Responsible for what we have Allowed - to Stop Abuse, Deception and Separation from what is Here, as who we are.

Self-Forgiveness to let go and release the Past so that the New can be born in every Breath

Self-Correction and Direction in Standing One and Equal to what we have Allowed and what we Will Accept ourselves to Exist as Here - and within this, Creating the Desteni of Life as All as One as Equal.

How is this done practically?

All the Material Shared by Desteni is public - this includes more than 1600 video interviews and 10.000 documents. All of which is being transcribed, translated, edited and published by volunteers.

The Structural Resonance Alignment Course is a practical tool within which facilitators and production crew have committed themselves to spend a minimum of 4 years dedicated to developing and offering this course. Within this, practical Support is given for each to Stand in Self-Support communicating with Substance, the physical body in releasing all patterns that is limiting and confining each within the mind to exist as knowledge and information, as the past in Separation, fear and self-interest - instead of Living and Expressing Directly Here in what is Common Sense and Best for All.

We Stand within and Support an Equal Money and labor System - as a Common Sense Solution to which each will have the opportunity of Actually Living and Expressing instead of Fighting and Fearing for Survival


Every single Being on this Planet is a part of this - it is the Desteni of the Universe - the Desteni of Life as All as One as Equal - to End Suffering, Abuse, Deception and Separation

Each will walk this Process Alone and within this we will Support each other

as we All Stand to not Allow anything less than what is Best for All Life Equal and One.

Join us at:

www.desteni.co.za - for support, videos, articles and discussions
www.desteni-money.net - for discussion on Equal Money and labour

THE POLAR-I-TREE

THE POLAR-I-TREE

My experiences with existing within and as “energy-addiction” and polarities and how a 'Polarity-Tree' grows in my mind:

Pointers I have found within the construct of how Polarity and Energy works:

Judgment as a way of “balancing” the polarities – When I have been up in the ‘high’ – I judge myself and end in the low – then it goes back up again. (Watch the Desteni videos for perspective on polarities and judgment.)

I specifically experience it as though I play myself as a ball in a tennis-match in my mind, where each side of the polarity are the players, where I am merely the object being beaten from side to side. And in this Not Standing Responsible for that I am Creating these experiences for myself – and thus can Stop and not participate in ‘the game’.

I have experienced it as though I have constantly been projecting myself into the Future, trying to be ten steps ahead of myself (implies wanting to be better/more) and then when I get ‘there’ in my mind – I Realize that I left myself ‘Here’, behind and now have to ‘crawl’ back (often in shame with my head bowed) until I meet myself again Here and start from scratch again. Within this, I waste time and I waste myself.

I knew a girl once with a bipolar/manic depressive ‘diagnosis’ that in her mania, would believe she was a rock-star and do all kinds of crazy things. When she 'came down', by herself or through medication, she would be so embarrassed. She would either then remember the whole experience, all the embarrassing details or not remember anything at all – Suddenly her ‘whole life’ in self-imagined ‘glory’ and ‘fame’ would just be gone and she would be sitting on a hospital bed with a pill jar in her hand.

That is an extreme version of the polarity-disease, but it is basically how most of us exist within it – the up´s, the down´s and the ‘in between’.

Energy as the “drug” that is used to justify participation in Polarity and Polarity Created to generate Energy through the friction of the extremes – infinite cycle. The Relationship on which the Mind Exists.
When in experiencing and looking at how I have participated in and existing in polarities, within an addiction to energy as “Life”, I have discovered a pattern that I call “The polarity tree” – In my experiences, it resembles a tree that grows new branches, every time I submit to a new polarity ‘out-swing’ or try to eliminate one polarity, without considering the other or actually Standing as the Creator and get to the Source of exactly How I have Created this.

The Polarity-Tree and how it grows:

A ‘Polarity tree’ is thus in my experiences, the structure of a relationship between polarities, where they are depended on each other to exist and generate Energy through friction, so it starts with one polarity-construct that then like a tree extends out into ‘branches’ and creates more polarities like an outflow from the first one – until it eventually becomes my total experience, like I am wearing or walking around inside this ‘tree’.

An Example – Through having defined and accepted myself as ‘useless’, ‘invalid’, ‘inadequate’, I created a polarity within this of desiring to be ‘important’ and ‘doing enough’. I had already accepted the ‘fact’ that I am not ‘doing enough’, because that is what in my mind justifies and explains the feeling of ‘uselessness’ and ‘inadequacy’ – so within this I started to take myself very serious, not allowing myself to relax and enjoy myself. So I constantly tried to do as much as possible, but it was still from within the same starting-point and thus I soon ‘ran out’ of energy. The next ‘branch’ on this polarity-tree is then to ‘rebel’ against ‘having to do so much’ in which I will begin feeling lazy and compare myself to others, because I experience it as if this feeling of inadequacy and having to make up for it, by doing extra, is something others wants me to do. So by ‘rebelling’ against that, going against my own morality-codex, I can get an outlet for the energy I have desperately put into being ‘useful’ and ‘important’ to others –What makes it even more distant is the experience that I am doing something for others, not being aware that it is all something I am creating and participating in, by experiencing the polarities and definitions of myself as valid.

But what is also interesting is that they need a constant ‘outflow’ to keep going, so from having a ‘high’ experience of being useful to someone, often based on compromising myself and playing a character where I would feel energized and often in power and control, I would go into the opposite of not giving a shit about anyone else and just do ‘what I want’, where ‘what I want’ was simply a reaction to the opposite polarity. The next branch on the tree would be guilt. Because I have now gone against my own morality and must now pay by feeling shitty about myself and being hard on myself because I again is back at the point of uselessness. This is often the state of depression and ‘giving up’. Then the whole ‘cycle’ simply continues rolling. This ‘cycle’ can take months to go through, even years.
How have I given my power, will and authority away in this?

First of all, by accepting myself as ‘useless’ without seeing where this definition comes from, How I have Created it, participated in it, accepted it as myself – passed on from my mother or father, generated through specific experiences etc. So within that, I actually believe that it is me and at the same time, because I know that it is not, I create a friction or a separation within it, of feeling like it is something that is being opposed on me by someone else.

This could for example be someone telling me that I am ‘useless’ and then accepting that as a fact and at the same time fighting against it, not Realizing that no one has the power to define and limit me, but me.
So within that, I will be trapped in my own submission, without even being aware of it, because I gave away my own authority in the very moment I accepted myself as ‘useless’.
From then on, I will then fight to prove this wrong, which is impossible if I have already accepted it as who I am, as valid and real and thus it will keep me busy for eternity trying to undo what I have accepted and allowed, without Realizing that my power lies in what I accept and allow – what I participate in as who I am.

While all of this is moving and controlling me, I slowly diminish and become possessed by ‘filling the void’ that I myself have created through my allowance, whether it is generated and originated through being copied and passed on from someone else or generated through specific experiences.
Because of the very nature of polarities and me being the ball that throws myself willingly between them, I am trapped for however long I ‘keep the game going’.

Something else that I have realized within looking at this and seeing how I/it plays out, is that I have been addicted to the ‘high’ of for example feeling ‘useful’ and ‘important’, which makes sense because I have tried to escape or change my experience of myself as ‘useless’ and ‘unimportant’ without even realizing for one moment that it was my acceptance and definition of myself as ‘useless’ and ‘unimportant’ that started this whole ‘cycle’. So because I had already abdicated myself from the beginning, within accepting the conditioning, all I ever did, was staying inside that same ‘cycle’ with no possible way of stopping or changing it.

So I become stuck within my addiction generated through an accepted experience of ‘lacking’ and thereby constantly in need of my ‘fix’. Over the last few weeks and even months, this is what I have been experiencing the most. When I would get into situations or deliberately place myself in situations that according to my own ‘value-system’ would give me a feeling of being useful or important to others, I would get this feeling of ‘rush’ and being ‘charged’, almost similar to being in love. It could last for days, but not much longer. I would find myself energized and capable of doing a lot more than usual, in a state of bliss almost. Finally getting what I have been craving for so long. What amazes me is how little it took for me to get to this experience. It is almost as if I have been starving and even a breadcrumb would be mouth watering.

So it would be little things, like someone offering me a cup of coffee or asking me for help with some task. It would also be me taking on tasks and placing myself as ‘important’ within doing that and feeling like I was finally ‘doing enough’ and could relax. And the same would obviously happen the other way around, where someone only had to say one word and I would immediately experience myself as ‘useless’ again.
So not alone was my experience determined by how I experienced myself as useful to others, but it was also entirely limited and confined within this polarity where I would experience everything and everyone in relation to this pattern – to me as this pattern.

When I read what other people are experiencing, it is often easy to see how they are stuck within a framework of conditioning in their mind. It is so limited and yet within that limitation endlessly vast, because we can keep it going with variations upon variations as long as we participate. And with polarity it can often be tricky to see, because the ‘highs’ and the ‘lows’ might seem different from time to time, so that we are actually not even aware of what we are doing. It is the exact same as with love relationships where we fall head over heels madly in love, only to come down again and then we do it again and again and again, without questioning that we never seem to ‘reach’ that ultimate constant experience of the ‘high’. Because within this is implied that such an experience exists; the ‘eternal bliss’ and ‘satisfaction’, the ‘ultimate orgasm’, ‘together forever’, ‘true love’ etc. And if we are not able to ‘reach’ it, it is either because there is something wrong with us, our partner, the timing or whatever.
My ‘eternal bliss’ in this perspective, was feeling like I mattered. That I was important and useful for others.

In my own experiences I see an origin point of living with my mother, who when I was a child, never was very interested in me. It is interesting because when I see it from her perspective, she did everything she possibly could, but even there, it was from a starting-point of ‘lacking’.
The basics of this pattern of feeling useless to my mothers was several experiences; the most prominent being that the men in her life and having sex always came before me. An extreme example of this, which I have only heard about from my mother herself is when I was around two and someone said to my mother that she had to chose between my father and her wild romance with him or raising me.
Another point wherein this experience originates from is my experience of being an annoyance to other people, because I was always talking, jumping, singing and expressing myself. What has affected me a lot has been the experience that it was specifically when I was exited or expressing myself freely that others would be annoyed and reject me.

But considering it now, this personality of being very ‘outgoing’ and ‘expressive’ might even be an polarity in itself and so the cycles spin on and the tree keeps on growing and growing.
It is my responsibility that I have accepted it as ‘who I am’ and through that having build and designed myself accordingly.

An example to this is that I ended up as an adult actually achieving exactly what I felt deprived of as a child: that my mother saw me as important listened to me and took me seriously. As a result, we ended up in a relationship where she relied on me and I was a stability point in her life. I had finally reached the ‘destination-point’ of my desire – but little did it help. I experienced myself the exact same way.
And obviously it never changed my experience of myself, because I had already accepted the conditions. I had already accepted myself to be addicted to energy and to be a slave to that within the cycles of polarity.

As a result, I never valued anyone else as important, but basically saw them as pieces in my ‘match’ with myself – constantly competing to win over my own experience – impossible and depleting.
What never even crossed my mind was being important to myself – relying on myself and appreciating myself and within this, that Self-Honesty is not possible if it is a part of my polarity-addiction, because in that I will play out Self-Honesty as being “good” and Self-Dishonesty as being “bad” and thus judge and condition and reward myself within it as well as attempting to “not be” Self-Dishonest, which is not alone absurd but also impossible.

I have found that to sort these patterns out – I have to get to the cores of the ‘construct’ itself – Realize exactly How I have Created myself through my participation in and as these ‘constructs’ and actually Stop. Structural Resonance Alignment is awesome, because you can actually test the information out and find out specifically where these patterns originated from. Did you Create it by yourself? Is it inherited? Is it unconscious? Are there specific thought, fear or emotional patterns that ‘triggers’ these patterns? What corrective action is necessary to actually Stop the pattern?

Besides S.R.A, I am basically disciplining myself in Stopping all participation in the mind – and specifically with relation to ‘polarities’, stopping the Energy-addiction and the belief that I need the ‘high’ – because within that, I am always a slave, a ball being beaten around in a tennis-match and the tree just keeps growing and growing.

The greatest luxury is the illusion of freedom from consequence

There are no Human Beings in this world Who´s Life is not inhibited through money.

How we use money as a justification for accepting ourselves as unequal´s:

We justify “making more money” and gaining wealth through the belief that everyone has access to money and the opportunity to make money, when in fact each is subjected to the conditions they are born into. It is an infinite closed system of circular motion, where you can only gain more according to what you already have.

We accept ourselves as Separated parts less or more valuable than each other, and thus We use money through justification of Inequality in which every single person equally agrees to sustain the world as it is

Money as means to evade Death – That which we call Survival:

• Everyone wants to bargain with death – We believe we can buy ourselves to Life
• The whole idea is based on survival – the belief that with enough money we become immortal – that we can cheat and control Death.
• The ones that fear loosing the most, are willing to do whatever it takes, to sustain a level of survival that can maintain the illusion that we are not going to die, that everything is all right, that what ever is happening in the world, we will not be influenced or affiliated.

• Entertainment and Age-reduction is an example of a sophisticated way of surviving for the Elite in this world.


The greatest luxury in this world is the Illusion of freedom from consequence


• We have deluded ourselves to believe that we are beyond the consequences of our actions
• We trust that money creates freedom from karma, pain and suffering
• We justify ourselves within the illusion of comfort and safety, through the deliberate denial of who we are Here as All as One as Equal – that everything we do influence us all

The Excuses of not changing:

• “Me first – the rest later”.
• Ignorance is the only bliss there is
• “There is only so much I can do – I´m only Human”
• The belief that if each do a little bit to keep the Earth safe, we will be alright – not considering that the only solution lies in changing the way we exist all together
• We want the world to exist as it is, as long as we can still be Here and lead comfortable life´s – never mind that to do that, the rest of the world has to suffer and starve.
• “We’re already screwed, so why bother?”
• “Each is responsible for himself”, yet we do not consider that we are also responsible for creating conditions where not everyone are in a position to take responsibility
• The belief that money makes the world goes round – if you can’t beat them, join them.
• The belief that free will exists when free will is determined by how much money you have

Why this doesn’t work:

Money does not free you from being a slave of your fear.

You will die eventually no matter how much money you get or spend.
Even the richest people on Earth die alone.

Money as comfort in this perspective has become our prison of “personal safety”. The dark side of comfort (gained through ignorant exploitation of others) is annihilation, paranoia, guilt and depression – because we know we are living a lie.

All share the illusion that Money = Happiness. So when you have money and you’re not happy; you have a problem.

We refuse to see that our comfort and abundance is on the expense of someone else’s suffering
Those of us who have the most money and the highest standards of living are also those who are most responsible for the destruction of Earth.

The more you Consume the more Shit happens. Consumption = Pollution. Wealth = Waste of Life

The biggest secret we all have agreed to keep – is that we are doing this to ourselves

There is no Suffering or Abuse on Earth that is not influenced or Directly caused by our justification through money for existing in inequality.

There is no escaping the consequences of how we live. There is just One Earth - there is nothing more, nothing less. All we need is already here.

If we only have 100% between us that is unchangeable, as we for example only have One Earth to share, with a specific amount of resources available, it is clear that the people with the highest standard of living, as the ones spending the most energy are the most Responsible for example in terms of climate change based on Human influences, but also because those are the ones with most power in terms of money and knowledge and therefore the ones that actually can make the change.

Because we Exists as a whole - If One suffers, All Suffer

Equality is a fact of Life– One Earth – One World – One Life


By: Anna & Linda

Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9aZFCbSUE0

Unpredictable Innocence

Fear of myself in and as Innocence as nature as undefined/unpredictable/uncontrollable

How this has manifested within beliefs/ideas and definitions of myself:

Diminishing myself deliberately to avoid facing myself as “the monster” of this world – Realizing that I have not forgiven myself for what I/we have done.

Accepting myself as inferior – as a “safe” place (moral behavior : “Be nice”)
Hiding myself as Superior – as a “dangerous” place (moral behavior: “Do not get angry”)

The point of conflict:

Standing deliberately within and as “power” would mean that I have to face myself as all that have been done deliberately with “power” and give up my experience of myself as “powerless” in which I can remain “a victim” instead of a villain
Expecting myself to be “a monster” of Self-Interest and Denial - Suppression
Creating the “agreeable” “non-conflicting” persona to contain and hide from myself as the definition of “the monster”.

Not allowed to be angry, powerful, Directive – This causes exclusion and Shame of who I am – Controlling Self-Expression
How I have never really faced myself as anger – created a polarity of “monster/victim” – “power/powerless”

Accepting myself as victim and powerless in and as a Self-Deception of not being willing to face myself within myself as “monster” and “power” – Not forgiving and letting go.
Trying to prevent being “a monster” instead of Realizing that I already am – and forgive and let go within walking the actual Change

How I am showing me to me in my actual experiences:

Working with a horse -

I have had the experience of fear of Tyson and when looking into it, I see a point of fearing (experiencing myself as inferior) to his innocence as nature as defined as unpredictable/uncontrollable in which I fear a point of “violence” manifested as thoughts within fear that he will bite me.
So what I am showing myself with this, is that I fear myself as Innocence as nature as being unpredictable and uncontrollable and that I have manifested a fear of myself as “violent” within that.
“violence” as deliberately causing harm – a uncontrolled expression of my “nature” which I “have to” Suppress, contain and control to prevent myself from expressing myself “violently”. That I “have to” be predictable to myself, which means monitoring and censoring myself in every moment – applying and placing myself accordingly as “predictable”

What is interesting within this is for one the point of this being connected to “violence” that I some how have related to “innocence” and “innocence” as being “unpredictable” and “uncontrollable”

Why is that?
It is because an Innocent Expression is without thought – without motives or strategies – and specifically without “morality”

Another point is that I within submitting myself to and existing from and within this belief actually allow myself to do what I fear – being “violent” or harmful.

Because of the Suppression I do not actually see myself and it is thus not a point of actual Self-Control within and as Self-Direction but a “control” through Suppression which will inevitably create a pressure and thus the risk of “explosion” or “combustion”
What I see is that I have a belief that I as Innocent Self-Expression is “violent”/”dangerous” specifically experienced through being “unpredictable” and “uncontrolled”.

Based on experiences as a child that I have defined and conditioned myself according to:

I have looked at this before, with regards to my experience as a child where I experienced that I mother feared me if I expressed anger and rage. She would start Crying for example and I would fear myself as well as feeling ashamed of myself but also within an experience of and as “powerlessness” from experiencing that she was manipulating and controlling me through this “vulnerability”.

In my experience, my mother has always been afraid of me. I have always been afraid of me.
Of what I was capable of doing. Of not having any moral boundaries and therefore being “unpredictable” and “uncontrollable”

These moments of anger and rage that I am talking about is not the “fits” that Children have but moments where I would simply “explode” in anger: It is interesting because in this moment, I cannot recall a specific episode where this happened. I do remember my mother saying “Don´t do this to me” – “You are hurting me” – “I don´t like this” – “stop I don’t want to hear it” – “you are scaring me”.
I remember it as being in situations where I confronted her about something. I remember this experience of standing Stable within myself, within the anger, expressing exactly and clearly what I wanted to say but then when she reacted and started crying and being afraid, I would either get even more angry, feeling desperate or simply start fearing/hating/judging myself extensively for “doing this to her” – yet it was a point of conflict within me, because I had expressed myself Self-Honestly.

A memory pops up -. I was around three or four and I had hidden in a closet. I called my mother as a joke and said that I was injured. She came storming and when she found out that I was not injured, she said; “Don´t do that again – you are scaring me”. I remember experiencing this conflict because I actually found it stupid that she got scared and at the same time, I was shocked and ashamed.
It has always been this experience that I could destroy my mother if I wanted to – that I could break her and fearing myself within that.

So it is Innocence as Expression of me Here – that I through these experiences within which I identified with my mothers reaction have Separated myself from myself.

Manifested beliefs:

“I am not allowed to get angry”
“I am an evil person”
“I hurt people”
“I am dangerous”
“I am too much”
“I have to control and Suppress myself to not hurt other people”.

This has also manifested in the opposite where I will experience fear and resistance if others are expressing anger.

I have designed/programmed myself to be predictable and calculating and strategic within applying morality and “respect” towards others because I believe myself to be “immoral”

The bigger picture:

What I have not seen within this is that everyone is immoral – and that the morality we apply is a tool for control and suppression so that we do not face ourselves as who we really are – first of all within the very nature of what we have done and become within the Human not-kind as being deliberately violent and harmful – thus applying “morality” to subdue and suppress that – as well as denying ourselves as Innocence – so that which in fact is Innocent becomes “dangerous” and “unpredictable” because within that –lies the truth about who we really are. Natural sexual Expression becomes “dirty” and is only acceptable under the covers – where we then let our Suppressions out in a now twisted and nasty manner – because of this belief.

We conquer the wild beasts and cage them in “beautiful morally justifiable” settings – where we can look at wild nature from a distance – where in we have power over them to prove our own control towards nature – that is actually who we are.

We do the same to ourselves. Confine ourselves in cages and boxes that we call homes and jobs and busses and relationships and religions where we sit and look at each other, at nature from a distance in a box – neatly placed so that we do not actually get dirty and smell the shit.
And so we create polarities with “good and evil” - with “heroes and villains” – “saints and sinners” with which we entertain ourselves to remain confined.
We only focus on what is good – because we do not want to face what is bad.
This is why we often see priests and supposedly “good moral citizens” commit the most nasty and devious crimes’

Self-Support:

What has really assisted me with this was this dream I had recently where I was Standing with Bernard and some other people. There was a woman who was “not real” – she was made up from spare-parts of stuff and I specifically remember her eyes was made of threads of vinyl that made her look like she had liquorish-eyes. She was abusing herself and others because she wanted to be real. I Directed her within an expression of anger as certainty as I realized that she was not able to help herself. I started pushing her to provoke her to get out of her “made-up-body” by saying exactly what she feared; “you´re not real” – “you will never be real” and stuff like that. I kept shouting and shouting until she in one Moment took a deep Breath, like she finally made the decision. I stood stable in front of her, prepared that she would “leave the body”. Right when she came out of the body, Bernard stepped in front of me and took her in his body and released her.

What I experienced in this dream was a Directive anger that was similar to when I was a child, where you simply do what is necessary to be done to Assist and Support, where sometimes what is needed is to express “anger” or “certainty”.

What I have found is that when I do the opposite and control, suppress and contain myself with a specific definition within a “moral-codex” is actually when I am causing harm, also because it creates the polarity-point of being secret and hiding what I actually experience and thus not Directing myself from a point of certainty – that I will do what is necessary to be done, whatever it takes in the Moment - allowing myself to be unpredictable - not holding back.

I can run but I cannot hide

Todays been a little tough. I gave into being in bad mood and it has followed me the whole day like a black cloud. It was a little thing that set it off, and I was actually surprised to be captured by this bad mood, which made me realize that I have been more stable for some time now. On other days I would be able to forgive myself and walk thorough it, but not today. It is like I am reaching the end of some limit, and it sort of feels like I am about to explode/implode. Besides from the little things that annoyed me thorugh the day, or corret that one, that I allowed to get annoyed by during the day, it is the whole issue of "my" life that is eating at me at the moment. I feel like I have reduced myself to a shell, a character that I do so not want to be, and I am tired of running around after myself trying to catch my own tail. I am running out of places to hide and it is a very uncomfortable feeling. I have being doing a lot of reading and watching TV lately, but not even that, can drive me away from myself. I am begining to realize that I am not who I thought I was, and frankly, I do´nt like what I see. I also feel cornered like a tiger and begin to feel a twitch of aggresion towards that. So much has come up that I am having difficulties in facing. Yet, I do it, but only partly. I do´nt commit fully to it, which frustrates the hell out of me. See I have spend my life rebelling and trying to move as far from certain behaviors as I possibly could, and end up facing myself exactly that that. I litteraly thought that by being against the system, I could change it. That by moving myself away from all I defined as my personality, I would escape it. That by accepting all and everything in this world, I would make a difference. And the truth is that I have been hiding, that I have been shit scared of being jugded by the system, being forced, being trapped to the point where I unconsiously jugded, forced and trapped myself. There is no "my" life left. I have alienated myself from nature, and is actually feeling so embarresed by that, that I do not even walk in nature, at least trying to connect. It is the same with my physical body; I have been protesting about body images for so long, to suppress my own insecurities about my body and fearing facing my own issues about looks. I feel ashamed of that. I know forgiveness is the way for me, yet when I hit theese subjects, it is like there is wall in front of me. I am afraid of being silent, being empty so I stuff myself with thoughts, food, TV and stuff like that, until I cant stand myself anymore. I am angry at myself and I feel sorry for myself at the same time. I feel like a failure to my own standards and I am angry at myself for having theese standards in the first place. I am as controlling to myself as the system I have been hating all my life. But I am HERE with me, and I am letting i all out. That is all I can do at the moment.
There is no hope, there is no light, there is no peace, there is no fight. It is all shadows on a long broken wall. Will I walk, or will I fall?Stand up, I say, Stand up and see, that all there is, was always me.Never evil, never good, but forgotten, misunderstood. Here I am, alone at last, no ups, no downs, not slow, not fastIn lies is where I hide myself, I breath is where I find myself.

The name of my game

Ok so this is where I am writing from right now: A sense that it is time to let go. That something inside of me is saying goodbye, is feeling sorrow over giving itself up, over realizing that it was not real. What am I speaking about specifically? Love Sex Relationships And I thought that I was concerned with the needs of the world, with accension, with higher levels and plans. No I am not. My mind works from here, from a place where being human is about be together or TWO GATHER I am finally in a place where I am starting to feel familiar with being in my own skin My inside is telling me right now: "It is time to let go". Very gently, it is speaking to me. It is me speaking to me. "you can let go now" What I must let go is all the preprogrammed ideas Ive had about myself, about life and existence in general. I have realized that this is never going to end, the journey is eternal right here. And yet, there is something that has got to go. My eating and watchinh TV are just plain symptoms, not the hardest to let go of. It is being with other people, being seen as ME by other people, that I must let go of. It is being my mothers sweethart on one hand. Her priestess on another, and the devil of her secret thoughts in a hidden thirth. It is being seen as a woman, a capable intelligent woman, in her productive age. I guess you could apply words of your own, where ever you find yourself in this existence. In the program, in the mother matrix. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to withdraw from myself, to fit into the world, to be a part of the system I forgive myself for having allowed and accepted myself to desperately wanting to be part of the system, of the marriage and kids system, of the smart and sexy system, of the beauty and fame system, of the image system I forgive myself for having allowed and accepted myself to believe that I would sieze to exist if I did not create a strong and interesting personality I forgive myself for allowing and acccepting myself to compromise all truth in me, to fit into the system I forgive myself for having allowed and accepted myself to beat myself with thoughts of being wrong, gulity, arrogant, too much and ugly I forgive myself! I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to be honest with other people out of fear of being seen as arrogant I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to be free inside my body, let it move, play, sing, dance, act out of fear of being seen as arrogant by other people I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to be who I am, out of fear of stepping over others boundaries. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to suppress myself as a way to let others come through, so that I would not come of as egotistical Goodbye guild! Goodbye sorrow! You are welcome and I shall forgive you as you are in me as me, I you choose to stay for the right. I am stopping myself here, right HERE.