Embracing Awkwardness

Every once in a while, I like to sit down and watch Before Sunrise or Before Sunset with Ethan Hawke and Julie Delphy. There are a lot of ways to dismiss these films as "chick-flick"s or "light." And that's fair, I suppose. But, on a basic level, each film is really just a conversation between two educated and emotionally-perceptive human beings. And in that respect, I think there is something for everyone in them.

Anyway, there is a lot of wisdom in the dialogue, and sometimes I catch myself writing quotes down and referring to them again and again. One of these comes from a fortune teller reading Celine's palm in the first film. She gives Celine a piece of advice that resounds enormously with me:

"You have to resign yourself to the awkwardness of life. Only if you find peace within yourself will you find true connection with others."

There is something so profound about facing and accepting the "awkwardness of life." That, no matter how hard you try, you can not ride smoothly and cleanly through this roller coaster. I went to an extremely competive all-girls school in Los Angeles from 7th-12th grades and am now a senior at Stanford. Competition and perfection have been the driving forces behind everything I have done for the past decade. And, now that I'm poised to go out into the world with a clean profile and impeccable resume, I find myself wholly and utterly unprepared. My greatest challenges and struggle lie in simple, regular human interaction, humbling myself before others, making myself vulnerable, putting myself out there, taking chances. Interaction, I have learned (in my short experience) is messy and thrilling and shocking and hard. It is also more rewarding and enriching than any formal educational experience I've had.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, while I've spent so long working on my perfected image, the resume I'm going to put out into the world next year, its my scars, the flaws and imperfections Ive accumulated over the years, that I identify with most strongly. These are what make me interesting, a person worth knowing. And I've only come to know them through interaction and experience, putting myself out there awkwardly and blindly. And failing.

Life is awkward. And I don't think thats something we need to fight against. All of our color and our fire comes from our failures, and the best relationships come from sharing those failures with others. This summer I am embracing my failures and my flaws... wearing them as readily on my sleeve as my accomplishments and points of pride. I'm ready to know myself, and share that whole self with others.